For a small country that gets a lot of weather, we sure are pish at dealing with it.
Scotland has just emerged from a full 40 days and nights of heavy rain. There was, putting it mildly, quite a bit of flooding. Not so much that there was a sudden rise in DIY Ark building and amateur animal husbandry, but it was, you know, a bit wet out.
So much so, a news anchor on Radio Scotland was prompted to ask the following question of the Scottish Environmental Protection Agency bod they happened to be interviewing:

Why has there been so much flooding?

I believe his answer was something along the lines of,

well...*confused pause*...it's been raining quite a lot.

This week too, the nation is virtually paralysed by thick fog in England causing the cancellation of flights in and out of Heathrow Airport. Cue stranded travellers camping out in Airports, clutching Christmas presents and petted lips. And again with the stupid questions. I swear I heard someone on the news say

I know there's nothing they can do about it, because it's down to the weather, but we'd all just like to know how long this will go on for.

Er...until the fucking fog clears up, which as you've already spotted, is well outwith the remit of BAA. Have none of you seen "A Bridge Too Far"? Can no one remember Denholm Elliot's cameo as an RAF Meteorologist trying to explain to Gene Hackman about the unpredictability of fog and it's effect on airborne operations?
My favourite bit, that.
I just heard on the radio on the way home that BA have cancelled all domestic flights in the UK for the next 3 days. This is fog we're talking about, right?
Fog. Fucking fog, a very common metereological feature of these islands?
I haven't seen it, but if this fog is causing so much hassle, it better at least be proper London Towne Fogge from days of yore.
In fact, if you've got a minute, fuck Fogge, it had better be John Carpenter's - The Fog.

BA1132, this is Heathrow Tower. Please be advised, due to thick fog obscuring your approach and a horde of undead pirates brutally slaying all in their path, we have diverted you to Bristol.

Anyway, being, well, stupid, I've come up with a thoroughly ridiculous idea to capitalise on the mess.
Are you a stressed business traveller who just has to get to London, like, now?
Are you in far too much of a hurry or simply too important to take the train?
Never fear. I have plans to set up a brand new concept in commercial air travel.
A new type of high speed air link from Glasgow to the centre of London.
I fly you directly to London and kick you out the fucking door over Hyde Park. I might even give you a parachute!
No fucking about in Heathrow airport, arrive exhilirated and ready to go in the middle of London
Bad weather over London causing problems with flights? No problem! I just fly extra high. Let's just hope you know how to do a HALO jump.

My Lawyer has demanded that I include the following disclaimers:
I can't be held responsible for:
Accidental soiling of self due to the terror of plummeting blindly onto London from 50000 feet.
Misdrops leading to death, injury or capture by the SS (not entirely sure about this bit).
Death or injury due to parachute failure
Death or injury due to lack of parachute.
Death or injury due to not having a fucking clue how to work a parachute.
Death or injury due to being kicked out of the door early because I got fed up listening to you.

AirBag. You'll never fly anything else.

Labels: stupidity, weather

It's been a while, eh?
Below is a list of possible reasons for my absence. See if you can spot the correct one.

1. I was running arms from the Far East into the UK.
2. I was being held against my will as a sex slave by a lost tribe of warrior women.
3. I crash landed my Viper on a Cylon held planet and only just escaped from the sex farm where they were holding me captive.
4. My dog ate all of my daily blog posts since the last one.
5. I uncovered a secret UN plot to overthrow the Government and was incarcerated in a secret sex farm. I am just this minute back.
6. I was high. The whole time.
7. I am a lazy bastard and couldn't be bothered.

You can all blame The Cynic for my sudden reappearance. I noticed a new link to this place on Technorati and it kind of spurred me into action.
Thanks for the link, whoever you are.

Labels: me