10) Before kick-off, Rino Gattuso mocks ex-Milan striker Joe Jordan’s goalscoring record at San Siro: “Jordan has the same amount of Serie A goals as lost front teeth! Even I have 400 per cent more goals (and teeth) than that!”
9) Jordan proudly points out that he scored in three consecutive World Cups. 2006 champion Gattuso responds that the first in 1974 was against a Zaire team that didn’t know the free kick rule, and the second in a 3-1 hammering to a Peru squad that threw games.
8) Gattuso invites Joe Jordan to his fish shop and brings five live sharks to swim there. Jordan tells Pippo Inzaghi, “this is not a swimming pool”, as the prolific poacher dives into the water tank.
7) Gattuso defies club orders to travel to White Hart Lane and watch the game in the stadium. Rino ends up moving more in the West Stand than midfield replacement Clarence Seedorf does on the pitch.
6) Gattuso actually receives less abuse from the home crowd than Arsenal’s Robin Van Persie. “Van-Per-Sie...when the referee blows ignore him” they chant to the sound of Craig David’s Re-Rewind.
5) Gattuso claims at half time that he is more Scottish than Jordan. “I played a season with Rangers. Sharkie spent his whole career outside Scotland. Except for eight games with Goal.com Chief Editor Ewan Macdonald’s hometown team - Greenock Morton. Who are bloody Greenock? A cold, grey and wet village full of unemployed teenage bawbags who drink buckfast!”
4) The English media again remarks that ageing 33-year-old Gattuso “wouldn’t last five minutes” in a fight with a youthful 60-year-old Jordan. The Daily Mail and The Sun add that the 32-year-old Manny Pacquiao wouldn’t make it through Round 1 against 76-year-old Henry Cooper.
3) With Milan losing 2-0 with five minutes to go, Gattuso reproduces his starring role from the Teen Wolf movie by transforming into a werewolf, racing onto the pitch, and scoring a late hat-trick to take the Rossoneri through.
2) Silvio Berlusconi immediately hands Gattuso a new contract as a reward. Not because he scored a decisive hat-trick, but for being a teenager.
1) Gattuso gets the girl too, and goes home with pneumatic glamour model Katie Price (left) after misconstruing advice to 'stick one on Jordan'.
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