I put on my robe and wizard hat...
Weathering the weather
Published Thursday, December 21, 2006 by Sir Stewart Wallace | E-mail this post
For a small country that gets a lot of weather, we sure are pish at dealing with it.
Scotland has just emerged from a full 40 days and nights of heavy rain. There was, putting it mildly, quite a bit of flooding. Not so much that there was a sudden rise in DIY Ark building and amateur animal husbandry, but it was, you know, a bit wet out.
So much so, a news anchor on Radio Scotland was prompted to ask the following question of the Scottish Environmental Protection Agency bod they happened to be interviewing:
Why has there been so much flooding?
I believe his answer was something along the lines of,
well...*confused pause*...it's been raining quite a lot.
This week too, the nation is virtually paralysed by thick fog in England causing the cancellation of flights in and out of Heathrow Airport. Cue stranded travellers camping out in Airports, clutching Christmas presents and petted lips. And again with the stupid questions. I swear I heard someone on the news say
I know there's nothing they can do about it, because it's down to the weather, but we'd all just like to know how long this will go on for.Er...until the fucking fog clears up, which as you've already spotted, is well outwith the remit of BAA. Have none of you seen "A Bridge Too Far"? Can no one remember Denholm Elliot's cameo as an RAF Meteorologist trying to explain to Gene Hackman about the unpredictability of fog and it's effect on airborne operations?
My favourite bit, that.
I just heard on the radio on the way home that BA have cancelled all domestic flights in the UK for the next 3 days. This is fog we're talking about, right?
Fog. Fucking fog, a very common metereological feature of these islands?
I haven't seen it, but if this fog is causing so much hassle, it better at least be proper London Towne Fogge from days of yore.
In fact, if you've got a minute, fuck Fogge, it had better be John Carpenter's - The Fog.
BA1132, this is Heathrow Tower. Please be advised, due to thick fog obscuring your approach and a horde of undead pirates brutally slaying all in their path, we have diverted you to Bristol.
Anyway, being, well, stupid, I've come up with a thoroughly ridiculous idea to capitalise on the mess.
Are you a stressed business traveller who just has to get to London, like, now?
Are you in far too much of a hurry or simply too important to take the train?
Never fear. I have plans to set up a brand new concept in commercial air travel.
A new type of high speed air link from Glasgow to the centre of London.
I fly you directly to London and kick you out the fucking door over Hyde Park. I might even give you a parachute!
No fucking about in Heathrow airport, arrive exhilirated and ready to go in the middle of London
Bad weather over London causing problems with flights? No problem! I just fly extra high. Let's just hope you know how to do a HALO jump.
My Lawyer has demanded that I include the following disclaimers:
I can't be held responsible for:
Accidental soiling of self due to the terror of plummeting blindly onto London from 50000 feet.
Misdrops leading to death, injury or capture by the SS (not entirely sure about this bit).
Death or injury due to parachute failure
Death or injury due to lack of parachute.
Death or injury due to not having a fucking clue how to work a parachute.
Death or injury due to being kicked out of the door early because I got fed up listening to you.
AirBag. You'll never fly anything else.
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LMFAO - yer like the bastard buses, nothin' for ages n then two all at once.
Like I said, there's no fuckin' fog in Warrington, shame we ain't got an airport really ;-}
Woooooah, there mate! What's with the dodgy layout just now? Almost left me comment int wrong box, and no mistake
ANyway, happy fucking pagan thing festival basard thing, and keep blogging and that, and I'll see you ont other side. I think. Not talking dodgy firey pits of ninth cirlce of hell, mind you, but next year. Ooh, there's a guilty conscience, eh.
happy winter solstice thing and that other pagan festival thing. wishing you lotsa nakes women and that. Or whatever pushes yer button. i'll go now. you've seen jerry maquire, righ? You know when yer not completely embarrassed yet, but you can see "tomorrow's* embarrassment? That's me. Sory of me life.
Anyway, merry thingy and a happy wotsit. You're a brick!
SD
I have a new layout?
Anyway, happy Festivus, or whatever.
Remember, nothing is so embarrassing that it can't be cured by more drink.
Happy New Year
Miss me ?
a little ?
I miss me ..a lot
Of course I did. However you have been busily blogging away the whole time I was AWOL.
I had to keep myself busy..
if i hadnt the depression over you being gone would have overwhelmed me ..
Happy New Year!
Haven't been here for a while so a belated Happy New Year.
Just what was that weather up to at New Year? Doesn't nature want us to have any tourists?
the heathrow fog was excellent. no cargo in or out = no work = sleeping for 10 of the 12 hour shift. now that's what I call a job.
new blog is drunkpunk.wordpress.com
where in the fuck are you ?
And if you are a smart boy you'll find my nekkie pic for hnt..haha!
you snowed in or some'at?
Scotland has wet weather? That's fucking nothing - New Zealand spends 10 months of the year submerged - the locals have webbed feet.
It's been sunny since I got here ;) Damn cold, though
Bah! Sodding blogger. Can't remember my account details so couldn't sign in.
It has rained so much here of late, that I've taken to living in an underwater habitat. Sadly, the recent cold spell froze the bastarding thing solid and I have only just this minute managed to free myself using a slow combination of chipping away with my fingernails and using my own piss to melt the ice.
New Zealand? From what I hear, the country is like a facsimile of Scotland in the mid 50's, so it's no fucking wonder it rains there.
Kath - don't worry, it'll change. According to the news, BRITAIN BRACES FOR BLIZZARDS! Which actually means that London might see some snow at some point this week.
Oh well, back to my piss-soaked ice hole....hey, that sounds really rude.
new post please young man!
any more of this and you come of my links list!!!
tardy! very very tardy!
hope all is well and this is just a blip!
Sorry Cappy!
In my eternal quest to earn shitloads of cash by doing next to fuck all, I've been considering reinventing myself as a Fashionista, so I'll maybe have something up about that soon.
you mean you're growing an odd little tash and wearing jack boots?
That look was so last week
aww...I didnt know you were gay..
damn..thats so me ..
lusting after a guy 6 million miles away..AND he's of the sensitive persuasion